Time to be your own cheerleader, best friend, and lover!
For years, I have chased people and relationships. My mother turned to taking care of my younger brother and me when my father died when I was seven.
Not knowing how to cope with the most significant loss, we all three never knew how to fulfill our emotional and psychological needs (especially mine).
Today, when I look back at the twenty-six years of my life, I realize all the patterns I attracted because of my low self-worth and constant need for love and validation. I know how it feels to have no friends who understand the pain behind your smile. I see what anxious attachment is like because I have been into it.
If you also have the habit of seeking fulfillment in outside relationships, I want you to read this blog post with your napkins by your side because this may be eye-opening for you. Yes, this will make you cry, but it may also help you find contentment within yourself.
Why stop the desperation NOW only?
“The more you chase something, the farther it runs away from you!” Imam Ali.
This means that no matter how hard you try to get into a relationship or get married, you will only get there when the time is right.
Today, Gen Z is really into dating apps, finding casual sex normal, and getting into situationships where there is no love but only fun for them. This will even further deplete the coming generation if we don’t stop here.
Even today, people feel they are in “toxic relationships,” yet they choose to be in them because they don’t want to live alone. Generally speaking, men and women have three main fears that end up hurting them: losing someone, being abandoned, and not experiencing emotional connection.
This is because of the conditioning and the stories we have heard in our childhood that don’t allow us to be at peace with our current reality. We are always thinking about our past or our future.
The notion that we need to discover our “soulmate” or “other half” to feel complete has been reinforced by stories and movies many of us have watched and heard growing up. Nonetheless, this kind of thinking can result in unhealthy patterns of relationships that are marked by manipulation, neediness, and loss of dread.
This constant “seeking validation” has never allowed us to experience our OWN LOVE. Because we never believed we had any. We have always looked outside ourselves for approval, and fulfillment increases when we feel incomplete without a particular companion.
We feel someone else is coming to save us from our inner demons, but in reality, no one is there. Everyone has challenges and limiting beliefs that they need to overcome.
A relationship or having a partner only adds to your happiness or sorrow.
The most important relationship you have is YOU
Developing a solid sense of self-completion and contentment is crucial rather than looking elsewhere for approval and fulfillment. You may approach relationships with strength and authenticity when confident and whole.
Imagine someone saying to you that you will always be left alone. How does this make you feel? If this thought makes you feel scared or desperate, it’s a sign that you need to work on yourself.
After all, the most important relationship you can have is with yourself!
The point where you get obsessed and desperate for someone else comes from abandoning your needs and wants. And this is not your fault, so you must come out of the pattern of self-blame.
This is because you were conditioned in this way that someone would come and make you complete; until then, you are incomplete. But what if someone never comes? Are you going to die?
Absolutely not!
So why are you worried about seeking and chasing love so badly that you are constantly swiping Tinder and asking friends and relatives to find a suitable match?
Why can’t you trust that when somebody has to come, they will come on their own (through anyone)? My point here is to stop the desperation and be content within yourself.
It would help if you were engrossed in living your best life, enjoying your company, and working on your personal development so much that you don’t worry about being single.
How can you improve your relationship with yourself?
- Do the inner work: By this, I mean sitting with yourself every day and doing shadow work. When someone talks about doing the “shadow work” or “inner work,” it means engaging in a reflective and exploratory process to comprehend and integrate parts of oneself that may be unaware or repressed. The phrase “shadow work” is sometimes linked to Jungian psychology, in which the “shadow” stands for the unconscious components of the mind, which may include parts that are awkward or challenging to recognize. To do the shadow work, you must take time each day to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, no matter how busy you are. Recognize and comprehend how past incidents can shape your convictions and actions. You must also face and incorporate complex parts of yourself with kindness towards yourself to grow personally.
- Repeat affirmations: Repeating affirmations is wonderful for expanding your mind and improving your relationship with yourself. Our brain loves repetition. Hence, repeating what we want can make a difference. By consistently repeating positive affirmations, you strengthen positive thoughts and reshape the connections in your brain. This practice is beneficial for developing a more positive outlook on life, boosting your self-esteem, and cultivating a healthier perception of yourself. As you continue to affirm these positive statements, you gradually alter your mindset and develop a greater sense of resilience, ultimately improving your overall well-being. Try repeating an affirmation daily in front of a mirror for a week and see the difference yourself.
- Be mindful: Mindfulness is setting aside 10-15 minutes to do the meditation and being aware of the thoughts, patterns, and inner voices constantly chattering. One cannot always be mindful as our human mind thinks about 70000+ thoughts daily, but it is our choice whether to feel good or evil thoughts. As a fundamental component of meditation, mindfulness entails watching thoughts without becoming caught in them. You have to see your thoughts from an outer perspective and not let them affect them because “thoughts are things.” A powerful synergy between mindfulness and meditation leads to inner serenity, emotional fortitude, and a better understanding of oneself.
- Ask why you are feel the feeling: This is again a part of self-reflection. This is where you ask yourself why you think a certain way when in that emotional state. This reflective analysis explores the fundamental causes and triggers of your emotional state. Asking why, for instance, could make it clear that your unhappiness results from unfulfilled expectations or unsolved problems. Finding these underlying reasons gives you a better understanding of your emotions and enables you to deal with issues head-on rather than just responding to the apparent emotion. Gaining a better understanding of oneself through this practice promotes personal development and allows you to react to emotions more mindfully and intentionally.
- Start journaling: I know all the above points may feel overwhelming to you, but guess what? If following the above advice can break the cycles and repetitive patterns and enhance your relationships, why not make a little effort for yourself? Maintaining a journal is like recording your feelings and thoughts regularly. It is the same as a written record, enabling you to identify the similarities and gain deeper self-awareness over time. Writing in your journal about difficult experiences allows you to examine and comprehend your responses. It helps you make sense of your feelings and experiences by acting like you are conversing with yourself on paper. In other words, journaling is similar to a self-reflection tool that enables you to follow your path and learn more about yourself.
Be the sunshine you seek from the outside world
Starting a journey of self-healing, connection, and self-discovery may initially feel difficult. You might fall many times, but it is you who has to pick you up because nobody else will. If you think someone else will come and accept and love you for who you are, you are wrong.
Why will somebody come to you when you are abandoning yourself? Why will they choose to stay with you when you are needy and desperate?
Think about it! Do you always want to see the same relationships in your life that merely last for three or four months, or do you want long-lasting, happy, and fulfilling connections?
Develop emotional resilience so that you can easily navigate challenging situations. If you want to start your self-love journey, this e book guide can help you with that, too.
Good luck!
